It’s been almost a year since i last made a post, i just couldnt be bothered to be honest. but now i have a new purpose for it, after a brief stint in hospital last week it was suggested to me while speaking to a nurse that since i dont like talking to people about that stuff and i always reject therapy and stuff because i think its useless to me, i should instead write it in a blog and see how i feel about that, seeing as i spend so much time online and whatnot. not a bad idea tbh, so Ill give it a go. What im basically going to be doing is discussing in detail various aspects of my episodes and stuff, ill try and split it into different posts and stuff.
TL:DR
So yeah, on Monday I was admitted into hospital at like 2am after taking an overdose. wont say what or how much for obvious reasons, but obviously it didnt work like i thought it would and was the nastiest thing ever, after a few hours I was FUCKED.
so yeah, why? to be quite honest im not too sure, and neither is my CPN (community psychiatric nurse) or the nurses there, even the mental health support thingie at the hospital (and before you start, ive had it all before, its not my diet, its not exercise, its been determined as purely a chemical inbalance)
but I have to back up a bit because that probably doesnt make much sense. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Affective Disorder in 2009 after being hospitalised for my second suicide attempt in early 2008 (took them a while) so i have various episodes and stuff, from crippling depression to hypomanic episodes where i overspend and engage in dangerous activites, sometimes im very promiscuous, and yes, prostitutes have been used (or escorts as they like to call themselves) crazy stuff.
back to the present, ill explain a little about what was happening. for the past 3 or so weeks ive been having short, intense rage episodes, which is strange because im never angry. and its rage at nothing, no one’s bothering me, work is not stressful in the slightest and everyone is so nice and i actually like being there, family are cool, money is fine, friends are the best etc. so anyway, first time about 2 weeks ago i got really angry just before i finished work, and it intensifies when im out in public as i dont like crowds anyway. so yeah, i decided to jump in a cab and come straight home incase i just lost it and bit someones neck off or something, seemed like a good idea (the cab, not neck biting) so i got it, and this dumb fuck forgot to put on the metre until half way through and when i got home tried to charge me double, took all the enrgy in my bones not to slump him, but eventually i put the money on the meter on the seat and left.
this rage thing happened again, but that was uneventful, until we get to Monday (17th Sept). same thing again, rage towards the end of work, but this time i decided to just go ahead and take the tram and see how it goes, so i did, was fine. got home now and the rage got so so much worse, then after about 1 or 2 hours for some reason that rage turned onto me. i got so angry at myself that i started throwing things and punching walls until i got suicidal. now the methods i’d tried before hadnt worked so i wasnt going for them so I contacted one of my, lets say “underworld” contacts and tried to source a handgun, he gave me a pretty good price tbh, but said he wont be able to get hold of it for half an hour and I’d have to come to Stockport, fuck that (google Middleton to Stockport, fuck that trip, and im not allowed a driving licence so i dont drive, and its like 7pm) so i deaded that. then searched for a knife but as i hadnt tidied up in a while i couldnt find it, which in fact made me even angrier. i usually have various medications and stuff lying around, so i decided to take that instead, took a whole lot, then waited. like 5 hours passed and nothing, so i was pissed, then i became violently ill, it’s at that point i started googling it and realised i could get organ failure, fuck being on life support or whatever for 20 years, so i went to hospital. and that’s that.
had to have an IV and stuff to pump it out, then discharged, ill have to see my CPN and stuff more regularly and my psychiatric and review my medication, ill make posts about this in due time
oh yeah, while i was there, there was this one nurse. guy was the campest thing i have ever seen, i swear everytime he came into my room he just floated in, was jokes, always dancing in the corridors and stuff. if youre ever in North Manchester general Hosptal go to ward E6 and look for Gary, top guy.
That is all
She died a lol while back, but that’s to Lloyds TSB she has finally risen HALLELUJAH. My baby is back
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